Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Where was the mercy?

You know, it is amazing to me that there are so many emotions inside us. Some should never be seen and others could be seen a whole lot more.

At the time we started dealing with the fact that my incredible wife had MS, there were other interesting things going on. My daughter was just hitting puberty. I am convinced that fathers who have daughters are totally devastated by puberty twice...once when they go through it and then again when their daughters go through it. Wow!!! She became incredibly sensitive and would cry at the drop of a hat. My wife on the other hand started menopause and the combination and resulting turmoil between her and my daughter was powerful enough to almost fuel the power plants in San Antonio. I was very much considering an exorcist. Everything kept piling up.

My wife started having short term memory problems very often at this time and when she would ask my daughter the same questions over and over 3 and 4 times in a very short time, my daughter's lack of patience caused some big battles. I spent a lot of time intervening. It was very taxing on my nerves as well. I knew something had to give before I went screaming into the night.

We heard about a lady counselor who specialized in newly diagnosed MS patients and I signed up my wife for patient counseling. It did help some, but there were things she didn't mention in the sessions that needed to come out, sooooooo I suggested couples counseling so I could rat on her and get it resolved. I am referring to her trying to do too much and getting herself in trouble physically, and not asking for help, and driving me nutso.

The counseling was wonderful and I learned a lot about feelings, but it was still not getting better. My wife was still trying to over compensate for her perceived lack of ability and my daughter was not being at all cooperative in doing what she was told...imagine a young teen not doing what they are told. My boiling point was quickly building and I knew I had to do something to make them realize what they were doing. Finally, just as my safety valve was about to burst open, my brain lit up with an idea I thought was nothing short of genious. Well, at least I thought it was good. On the way to our counseling session, I told my wife to remind me about dominoes when we got home. She chuckled a little and said she would, if she remembered.

The session was good and when we got home I told my daughter to bring her dominoes downstairs. I sat my girls at the dinner table and split up the dominoes. I told them everytime I put a domino on the table, I wanted my daughter to put one on top of the stack and my wife to put two. Everyone was giggling and going along with my game. Of course the inevitable happened and the stack got high and collapsed. I told them that now they can see what is going on at our house. I told my wife I was trying to take some of the load off her and she was putting twice as much back on by not letting me help her. I told my daughter she was adding to the stack by not doing what she was told. At this point I had started crying and told them that I could not continue to do this by myself. I suppose that was a bit of a selfish statement, but that is the way I felt.

While my graphic illustration got the point across, it still didn't ease my frustration and anger and questions such as why couldn't it be me instead of her...ok, another selfish statement....but I wanted to know.

I finally had to get away from the whole situation and run away from home for a few days. I drove to visit my family and support group in Tulsa. On the way my emotions went rampant. I said some really bad things to whatever air happened to be listening. I sobbed almost uncontrollably. I screamed at the top of my lungs so many times on the way I was hoarse. By the time I arrived in Tulsa, I was drained of all emotion and relieved that I was away from the picture and actually dreaded going back, but I knew I couldn't run out.


At 5:19 AM, Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

I hope it all helped ... I've overloaded my pressure cooker on a number of occasions and have reaped a similar harvest of pain. As in real life, if you dont let the steam out of the cooker slowly, you're going to get burnt.

At 7:39 AM, Blogger Eriksgirl said...

I know that when Erik was first diagnosed, and was on Solumedrol, but getting worse, and of course before we knew that it caused him to have such a poor attitude, I had moments where I would cry very primally, and wonder why, and what on earth our future held. I still had a little son, as well as Erik, and so I only did it when they were not around, which was seldom, and that just added to the pressure cooker. I would not change holding off though. I think I would have felt so horrible crying in front of Erik like that, that I would have felt worse. Once the Solumedrol started working and we could see improvement, things got a little better. (Erik could not use his hands, so getting dressed, eating, everything required assistance, and God love him, he wasn't always patient because he hated needing the help. Much like your wife.)

Luckily things have gotten much better and I see that we can handle it. I almost wonder if it isn't a significant blessing that Erik got diagnosed when Nate was a baby, and before our other children are and will be born. Although I know they have no clue now.

I have to disagree and agree with your statement about wanting to have MS instead is selfish. I feel like I wish I had it instead too. First because to watch Erik suffer is so hard and so painful. But I would also take it from him in a purely selfless way, just so he did not have it. I don't know if that makes sense.

Thanks for your blog!



Post a Comment

<< Home